things that i think

Jingle Jangle

First of all, the next time I see I bird I’m going to ask it if they would like it if I pooped on their car. How rude.

I’m really just updating this because I realized while driving the other day that I have a real knack for turning decently popular classic rock songs into TV jingles for spin-off food products.

1. Tangled Up In Blue by Bob Dylan becomes Tiny Muffin Blues, for Mini-Muffins. The idea behind the product is that mini-muffins in this day and age are just too mini. Children are quite hungry these days, and are probably suffering from what we in the TV jingle for spin-off food product world call the “tiny muffin blues.” The remedy, is of course, larger mini-muffins, or perhaps mega-muffins, which are just giant versions of mini-muffins, a.k.a. muffins. Now, about getting Bob Dylan to let me use the song…

2. Eminence Front by The Who becomes M&Ms Bar, for the Mars corporation. This time, there are product ideas. You could either have a chocolate bar, with M&Ms inside of it, or perhaps a normal chocolate bar, coated in an M&M shell, with a regular sized M on it, like an M&M would have. If you took the second option, each bar could be a different M&M color, which you would get randomly in each package. The would obviously take the chorus of Eminence Front, and replaced, “It’s an Eminence Front, it’s a put on!” with “It’s an M&Ms Bar, they’re delicious!” How on earth could anyone turn that down?

A few other liner notes.

Siren Fest 2009 -

Pros: Delicious unlimited soda made with real sugar, The Blue Van, Grand Duchy, Ran into my friend Yana, Laura came, beautiful weather.

Cons: Micachu and The Shapes, no Lenny, too much of delicious unlimited soda.

Also, I went to Woodstock this weekend and bought at a flea market a cool antiquated Chinese chess set. That brings my collection of cool chess sets to an astounding two. I also got the final 50 state quarter, which brings the value of my collection to a whopping $12.50!

Before & After

One of my favorite things about Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune is the “Before & After category both shows use on occaision. Theirs are clever, but I like mine better:

1. Baby Got Back to the Future
2. Tom Cruise Control
3. The Fellowship of the Ring Tone
4. The Long and Winding Road to Hell is Paved with Good Intentions
5. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Soup
6. The Big Bad Wolf Blitzer

I could go on for hours, but I won’t.

P.S. - Teacher? Check. Next stop, librarian!

Twitter

I don’t like Twitter. I find it to be too constricted, impossible to maintain consistent wit on, and otherwise too titillating for its own good. That said, I do enjoy imposters, and Twitter provides means for the sincerest form of flattery. Therefore, I’ve indulged in creating a twitter for my dear old friend Lenny.

Also, who isn’t talking about Twitter these days, I mean come on!

Seriously, though, folks. What the fuck is a tweetosphere? Do people hear themselves when say things like this. I’m not going to get up on any soap box to rant about the media and its obsession with twitter (too late,) but what the hell is with the obsession over 140 characters. Years from now, I hope we can look back at this and laugh. Say things like, “Boy, the economy wasn’t the only thing in a recession those days! Remember Twitter? We limited ourselves to 140 letters in order to prove up to the minute updates about mundanity! Heh - we didn’t even realize that the root word was twit!”

Alright. I’ve said enough. I don’t need to set the twitterverse abuzz.

I'm so stupid, pt. 2

No, I didn’t kill any plants this time. Worse.

I was signing up for my teaching certification online. Very official. Very important. I spelled my last name Misky. In case you didn’t know - that’s not my last name (It’s Mirsky.)

I had to fill out a form asking for a name change, and they asked me for the reason I was changing it. The options were marriage, divorce, legal name change, or other. I selected other, and filled in that it was a typo. They also asked the date of the official change… so I just put in my date of birth, because I suppose that was the last time my name changed - from nothing to Justin.

Anyway, I just felt like I had to share that story. It’s terribly embarassing, but too funny to remain private.

Sermon to the Birds

My little sisters, the birds, much bounden are ye unto God, your Creator, and always in every place ought ye to praise Him, for that He hath given you liberty to fly about everywhere, and hath also given you double and triple rainment; moreover He preserved your seed in the ark of Noah, that your race might not perish out of the world; still more are ye beholden to Him for the element of the air which He hath appointed for you; beyond all this, ye sow not, neither do you reap; and God feedeth you, and giveth you the streams and fountains for your drink; the mountains and valleys for your refuge and the high trees whereon to make your nests; and because ye know not how to spin or sow, God clotheth you, you and your children; wherefore your Creator loveth you much, seeing that He hath bestowed on you so many benefits; and therefore, my little sisters, beware of the sin of ingratitude, and study always to give praises unto God.

Saint Francis of Assisi - c 1220

XYZ

Someone needs to write a book on proper open-fly etiquitte. There are just so many situations where people find themselves caught with their pants down, pun intended.

In one example, I look back at my student teaching experience. There was a boy in a 5th grade class, who constantly, all day, every day, had his fly down. It just got kind of frustrating. Obviously, you want to spare the child the embarassment, so you pull him aside quietly and tell him in private. You don’t make a big deal out of it. Just a little “psst” should do. Of course, when you quietly whisper “XYZ” and he looks at you with a blank stare, you realize subtlty might not be the best approach.

Eventually, I explained to the boy what XYZ stood for. This didn’t work though. He seemed to always forget to zip up. I decided to take a more furtive approach. One day, after school I took the boy aside and brought him into the bathroom. (Oh god, this story is starting to sound awfully incriminating.) In the bathroom, I showed him (oh god, oh god!) that I had taped up (wtf?) an index card with a big red letter “X” on it, at eye level, on the back side of the bathroom door (whew, that was close). The “X” of course standing for x-amine, so he could of course remember to zip up when returning to class.

For some reason, he didn’t appreciate this. He persisted to walk into class on a regular basis with his fly down, and when asked to fix it, now not as subtly, he just shrugged it off and said his zipper was broken. On every pair of pants.

There are ways of dealing with problems, and there are ways of solving problems. I suppose there are just some people who would prefer to shoot the breeze, pun intended.

This issue, I should mention, came to my attention, during an english class today, when I realized that my older, male professor was pontificating with his fly down. I couldn’t focus in class, because it was just… too distracting. Every moment, hoping, praying that his gangly old wing wang wouldn’t pop out in the middle of a discussion about naturalism in modern drama. I just wanted him to keep his Ibsen in Chekhov.

How can that situation be dealt with, though. In my twisted mind, it’s not something you can look past. The situation needed to be dealt with immediately. I considered being really obvious in passing a note, that he would have to intercept when he saw how obvious it was. The note of course, would just say “XYZ” on it, and he would get the message, and quickly fix it. Too contrived.

I mean - you don’t want to embarass a teacher in front of his or her class. I know that from experience. It’s just emasculating, and while he is a veteran who could easily deal with it, I couldn’t overtly tell him. I left the class relieved, but nervous. He made it through class without any sign of escaping, but I could only hope that he caught it before going to his next class. I just wish I could see the look on his face when he realizes that naturalism isn’t just what he’s teaching.